In Defense of the Grief Selfie
Once upon a time, many moons ago, Eleanor wrote an amazing post about self-portraits. In that post, in case you missed it or failed to commit it to memory, she said:
There was a time when I didn’t have the words to describe my grief even privately. In those early days the only tool I had for self expression was my camera. On the days when I felt really bad I would prop my camera up on a stack of books and take Self-Portraits, feverishly running back and forth between the shutter button and a pose, over and over again until I felt better. I truly don’t like being photographed, but it felt so satisfying to get my feelings out into the world without having to talk, or describe, or explain. You want to know how I’m feeling? Look, this is how I’m feeling.
In her essay “The Self-Portrait as Self-Therapy” Cristina Nunez says, “the expression of difficult emotions in the self-portrait is particularly therapeutic. Rage and despair often cannot be externalized, so we become accustomed to repressing them . . . by objectifying our ‘dark side’ in a photograph, we separate ourselves from what is painful and open ourselves up for catharsis and renewal.” She goes on to equate self-portraits to a punching bag, explaining something similar to what Eleanor describes above: “I take enraged or desperate self-portraits to release the tension and I come out calm and satisfied”.
Self-portraits have this amazing power to say things we cannot say, fill spaces that words can’t fill, and let us look into ourselves and others in a way that is deeply personal and unique.
Enter the selfie, stage right.
You probably thought were being all artistic and self-important today with our talk of self-portraits. Don’t worry, artsy-self-importance doesn’t last long around here.
Whereas Eleanor has thought and written a lot about self-portraits (because she is an amazing photographer) I am decidedly not a photographer and am going to bring the conversation down a few notches. That’s right, today we will be talking about an icon of teen existence, a cornerstone of instagram, the most loved and hated social phenomenon since flash mobs: the selfie. Oh, and grief. Because this is a grief blog.
Selfies get a pretty bad rap. Here are just a smattering of internet headlines I have seen about selfies: Scientists Link Selfies To Narcissism, Addiction & Mental Illness, Are Selfies a Sign of Narcissism and Psychopathy?, Science Confirms Selfies are The Worst, and How This Generation’s Obsession with Selfies Correlates with Mental Disorders. I have to admit, I have not been immune to the anti-selfie hype. I am old enough that cell phone cameras were not part of my teen existence. I don’t “get” selfies and, like so many things we don’t intuitively “get”, it is easy to dismiss or vilify them. #SelfiesAreRuningTheWorld
But I have been opening my mind a bit lately. I read all the anti-selfie articles linked above and, guess what? They are pretty lame. The “research” cited is just one study picked up by a zillion outlets which found not that taking selfies causes the issues described, but rather that those who already suffer from certain diagnoses my be more likely to post selfies. So calm down everyone, your 16 year old posting selfies is not going to cause any mental disorders. The articles reeked of confirmation bias and many left me silently yelling, correlation is not causation! But that is a rant for another day.
The more I thought about this and read research on the therapeutic value of photography and self-portraits, the more my personal distaste for selfies felt a bit misplaced. Hospital selfies have been attacked online as gratuitous and self-involved, when a major Hollywood movie about Frida Khalo, an artist who spent her entire career painting self-portraits to of her physical pain and her psychological anguish, was nominated for 6 academy awards. And let’s not forget Andy Warhol, who became a cultural icon taking selfies long before they were “selfies”. Yet the internet isn’t full of articles slamming Warhol and Kahlo for being psychopaths or narcissists or ‘the worst’. So what is the difference? What makes an artistic, meaningful, valuable self-portrait and what makes a shallow, narcissistic selfie?
Ironically, some of the same sources who are quick to complain that no one is talking about death and grief are the first to writing scathing critiques of the funeral selfie, the hospital selfie, or the grief selfie. And this is where I think we may need to take a step back and look at our own biases. I love Frida Kahlo. I have found personal value in taking self-portraits to cope and seen others do the same. And so my thinking began to shift. Perhaps selfies are simply a new way people are starting the conversation about these difficult topics, topics that many agree should be discussed more. If we want these conversations to exist, perhaps we need to be open to the many different formats those conversations may take. Two years ago twitter blew up with people attacking the funeral selfie. Even one of our favorite sites for social criticism, Jezebel, said of teens taking selfies at funerals:
What if we gave our duckfaced n’er do wells the obligation to engage with the real processes of death, to remind them that when someone dies that there is a real corpse and real grief left behind. Death is not an abstract concept. They could take part in a physical and emotional ritual beyond awkwardly lining up to file by an embalmed and made up body the funeral director has laid out under rose colored lights. No wonder these teenagers retreat to the bathroom to fix their hair and take a selfie in the mirror out of impotence and boredom. Our cultural traditions have failed them, and selfies at funerals are one of their only outlets to ritual and mourning in the age of the smartphone.
I get it. Maybe that is all completely true. And maybe, just maybe, teens are using a format they are comfortable with (the selfie) to say to friends – hey, something really crappy just happened in my life. I want you to know, because I might need you and your support. When I was 14 I might have told my 3 best friends if my grandfather died, because that is a tough conversation to have at 14, and I would have been limited to 3 friends for support. If I am 14 now and post a funeral or grief selfie I tell all my friends, expanding my potential support and helping me open up in a safe comfortable space.
Same goes for the growing number of grief selfies popping up on death anniversaries, birthdays of people who have died, and other tough days. Maybe I don’t feel comfortable walking into school saying, it’s my mom’s birthday it is going to be a crap day for me. But maybe posting a grief selfie captioned ‘Missing my mom today, she would have turned 48. Happy birthday mom” is a way to express my pain, continue a connection to my mom, and let my friends know in a passive and non-threatening way what is going on with me.
Self-expression changes over time. Music changes, art changes, writing changes. These changes come with criticism, skepticism and pessimism. But just as there is public and private value in the self-portrait, perhaps the selfie offers us the same (and new) opportunities for communication, expression, and growth. Does this mean it is never poor form to take a selfie? Of course not. A quick look at the short-lived, but much talked about, Selfies at Funerals and the zillions of internet posts of poor-taste selfies will quickly show that there are many selfies that will offend traditional decorum. Where I think we need to be cautious is that we don’t assume because there are some questionable selfies out there that there is no value in the dialogue these selfies can create. I asked on Instagram if our followers had used selfies in a therapeutic way and I did a hashtag search to see where grief and selfies intersect. No surprise, there were many many examples. The more I scrolled the more blurred the line between self-portrait and selfie became. It became more and more clear that it may be my own bias that was leading me to discount the value in a selfie, when a closer look turned up value I never expected. So I started thinking, what are some selfie benefits? Creating a timeline of our grief – If you take selfies over time, like self-portraits, you can see where you were at a moment in time.
Seeing growth and healing – though this is a very literal version of this, selfies over time can let us see physical and emotional healing. Here is a video of a guy who was doing a selfie a day project when his face was slashed. He kept up the project to document is healing. Inspiring other art – it isn’t uncommon for people to use selfies to inspire writing essays, journaling, writing poetry, painting, drawing, etc. By capturing yourself in a specific moment, experiencing a certain emotion, you may find it sparks wanting to further develop and explore that feeling. If you are inspired to write about a selfie, consider submitting the photo and writing to Photogrief.com! Communicating to others. Let’s face it, we aren’t all talkers. If you are having trouble expressing your feelings to friends and family in words, sometimes a selfie with a short caption can be just the thing. Large or small, start by sharing something you are comfortable with and build from there.
Accidental selfie. I’m not typically a selfie kinda gal, but I liked this one. I like it for two reasons — the first is the necklace. I have been gifted beautiful and heartfelt jewelry; I wear a different piece each day. On days where I need a lot of strength I wear them all! The one in this photo has Theo’s little footprints. It is a mini version of the prints taken the day he was born. This reminds me that he is real — he was not just a dream (like it so often feels). It helps me feel connected. Other pieces have his name or his birth date. Others still have his name or initial next to his older brother’s. Each of these hold different meaning and are incredible reminders of the love in our family and the love from others that encircles us. Second, the almost-smile. This was taken at a random moment during the day today. A moment where I didn’t necessarily need to be smiling. This photo gives me hope. Hope that, even on days where I’m really low, I can find bits of happiness. #theogussie #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #breakthesilence #grief #loss #lossmom
A photo posted by Lindsay Dougal (@lindsaydougal) on
Sharing with your therapist. If you get in to taking selfies or other self-portraits when you are experiencing difficult moments or emotions, these can be a great way to kick off a conversation with your therapist or support group. Finding gratitude. When we’re grieving it is easy to focus on how miserable life is. Taking a good old traditional selfie in a moment that we are with friends, having fun, or doing something we love can be a reminder in the especially dark moments. Oh, and sometimes your big, doofy pit bull can help with gratitude in the midst of taking a self-portrait. Expressing grief triggers. Grief triggers are everywhere and they can hit us like a ton of bricks. In the moment, when you are an emotional mess or blubbering like an idiot, taking a photo can help you to observe the moment, yourself and (if you want) to share it with other people. In opening my mind to selfies, I found this great article by Doug Ronning on ideas for using selfies for self-exploration. He gives ideas for experimenting with selfies, and these are some of my favorites from the article (which you should check out in full if you are interested in selfies!): Emotional Selfies – Photograph or videotape yourself in an emotional state: anxious, sad, frustrated, amorous or lonely. These kinds of images can remind us that even when deeply felt, emotions are chemical and temporary.
Shadow Selfies – Carl Jung, implored people to know their shadow, “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” Finding meaningful and contained ways to express your shadow can prevent it from coming out in more self-destructive or dangerous ways. And as anyone who has dressed up as a monster for Halloween knows, it’s fun to express dark impulses. What forms does your shadow take? Archetypal Selfies – How do you relate to the elements – fire, air, earth, water? Is there an animal you feel a deep affinity for? A Goddess or mythic character that resonates for you? Find a way to capture the essence of these archetypal images in a self-portrait. Ancestor Selfies – Combine genealogy with self exploration, learn about those who came before you and honor their place in your genes. Wear your grandfather’s fedora or your great grandmother’s jewelry. Dress in eraappropriate attire for when they were your age. Find a way to exemplify the ideals you share with them.
Mom, I will miss you till the day I day. Each day just gets harder and harder. Thank you for everything and all the memories. You’re always in my heart. I love you mom ♡ I know tou are watching me from up there 🙂 R.I.P 19/04/1970 – 07/01/2011 #momsring #mom #missyou #sad #rip #ring #circlering #meanssomuch A photo posted by C a ii t l ii n 🌼 (@caitlin.smit) on
Visioning Selfies – Take a selfie inhabiting a role you want to take on but have yet
to. Want to learn to play guitar? Take a photo of yourself holding one. Want to
write a novel? Take a picture of yourself typing the title page. Want to make
sandwiches to pass out to the needy? Take a photo of yourself making a
sandwich. These can serve as inspirational reminders. Who knows as you strum,
write or make a sandwich it may just segue into the act and move toward
becoming a habit.
Opposite Selfies – What do you consider opposite from yourself? If you are shy,
imagine being outgoing. What would it mean to embody the ”opposite” end of the
political spectrum? An earnest exploration of radical difference can lead to
empathy and understanding.
Also, don’t forget to check out all the great self-portrait suggestions in Eleanor’s post on grief self-portraits. If you create or have a self-portrait you would love to share, please submit it over at our photography site, photogrief.com, where it may end up featured on the site! Or tag us on instagram – @whatsyourgrief.
What do you think about selfies? Let us know in the comments if and how you are using self-portraits and grief selfies to cope. Or let us know if you are on Team Selfies-Are-The-Worst!
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