Life with a Grief Monster

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


This is my grief monster. He was born the day my mother died. I was really frightened of him at first and I thought the best thing I could do was avoid him. For a long time, I tried really hard to keep him locked up in the darkest corner of my mind; but he always found a way to get out.  

grief monster

Eventually I realized that, no matter how hard I tried to ignore him, my grief monster wasn't going anywhere. So, I decided to invite him in. Once we got to talking, I realized that we actually had a lot in common: We both really missed my mom and we both really wanted to remember her.

grief monster: "i'm sorry, i just really miss mom"
person: "me too..."

After that, I let my grief monster go everywhere with me. Even though he still made me sad sometimes, I knew he meant well. 

shop with mom
GMB

For a long time I thought I was the only one walking around with a grief monster, but then I met Litsa.  

me too

And she told me she had a grief monster too.

The funny thing about grief monsters is that a lot of people have them, but you don't know they exist until they're introduced.

introducing grief monsters

Although it seems scary, acknowledging your grief monster is an important part of grieving. Yes they will cause you pain, but they become far less terrifying when you face them in the light of day.

Actually, grief monsters can also help you to grow and do new things. For example, our grief monsters pushed us to start What's Your Grief three years ago and now we connect with people and grief monsters from all over the world.

connecting with people and their grief monsters
blog

Although we hope we've improved overall grief monster relations, we'll be happy just knowing we've made you feel a little less alone.

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We wrote a book!

After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
real-life book!

After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book!

What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

Let’s be grief friends.

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17 Comments on "Life with a Grief Monster"

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  1. Dwight  March 14, 2024 at 3:28 pm Reply

    Im 48, single, gay and have no family. I just found out and got introduced to my grief monster today. Something makes sense now. 🙂

  2. Denise Krom  February 2, 2022 at 8:45 am Reply

    I love the idea of the grief monster and making friends with it. It made me smile. I’m thinking of making a picture of how I think mine would look… Thanks it made my day.

  3. Sharon  March 11, 2021 at 7:49 am Reply

    I love your posts. My grief monster peered from behind the door of my mother’s death on August 4, 2017. I pushed her back as I have previously when I lost my best friend and aunt just nine months earlier. I needed to get through my mother’s funeral preparation and settling her affairs I told myself. Then four months later the grief monster hopped out from behind the door bigger, meaner and louder than before, because my youngest son was murdered while sleeping on his couch from a hard day’s work. I am learning to live with my grief monster. My grief monster appears in the oddest of times, when I’m watching a comedy, or eating a favorite meal, or just out for a stroll. The tears seems to flow at different rates and length of times; but I am learning to let the grief monster be.

  4. Ale  July 19, 2018 at 1:44 pm Reply

    You save me !!!I found you in podcast 5 days after my Mother died .She died 13 March 2018 the day that my monster born. I was in my darkest moment and I could not find any help in my language so I put the word grief in podcast and I saw you guys. literally I listened all the podcast since that day and thank to you I feel that I didn’t went in the wrong way in this time of my life. You don’t know how much you do to help others over the world. I am Mexican living in the Netherlands and everyday I thankful for you and your work.

  5. Peg  July 19, 2018 at 11:32 am Reply

    I met my grief monster when my precious Mama passed Feb. 22, 2018. I hate living with it. It shows up at work and makes me a mess. It shows up at the worst times. What do I do with that?! I feel like I am locked up in a room alone with it. I appreciate that you guys are there though. Thank you.

  6. Adam  October 3, 2017 at 10:48 am Reply

    My mom died last year on October 7 2016.. 3 days after her birthday.My Mom was the only person that understood me. Knew the feelings I felt. I was really sad and I would cry and cry for about 2 months. I didn’t want to go to school for a while but my dad made me and that made me super uncomfortable. I am especially sad because she missed all the fun things my family was doing. She was always wanted to go places and she would have loved and dreamt of going to the places we went. I love my mom and life is not the same without her around. I even thought of killing myself when she died. I stopped myself thankfully. But now it’s one day before her birthday (it’s October 3rd 2017 when I’m writing this). Life is changed in the bad way. But to be honest she would not be fond of what’s happening in the world if she was still alive so she is in wonderful heaven and is now in peace while she doesn’t have to experience anything bad like the U.S. on the brink of war, LA attacks, Hurricane Irma, and hurricane Maria. Thank you for reading this.

  7. Adam  October 3, 2017 at 10:48 am Reply

    My mom died last year on October 7 2016.. 3 days after her birthday.My Mom was the only person that understood me. Knew the feelings I felt. I was really sad and I would cry and cry for about 2 months. I didn’t want to go to school for a while but my dad made me and that made me super uncomfortable. I am especially sad because she missed all the fun things my family was doing. She was always wanted to go places and she would have loved and dreamt of going to the places we went. I love my mom and life is not the same without her around. I even thought of killing myself when she died. I stopped myself thankfully. But now it’s one day before her birthday (it’s October 3rd 2017 when I’m writing this). Life is changed in the bad way. But to be honest she would not be fond of what’s happening in the world if she was still alive so she is in wonderful heaven and is now in peace while she doesn’t have to experience anything bad like the U.S. on the brink of war, LA attacks, Hurricane Irma, and hurricane Maria. Thank you for reading this.

  8. Brandon  June 13, 2017 at 8:56 pm Reply

    My grief monster is my mom. She passed away a year and a half ago unexpectedly. Out of nowhere I’ll just start crying uncontrollably because I miss her so much. As amazing as my fiancé is, there will just never be anyone that understands me as much as my mom

  9. Sandra Minihan  May 21, 2016 at 8:58 am Reply

    The grief monster is always with me since losing my husband and soul mate two months ago. Thanks so much for this site!

  10. Rebekah  April 15, 2016 at 2:50 pm Reply

    I’ve been calling it the grief monster since about a week after my dad died, when I felt this constant crushing weight on my chest and didn’t know how else to describe it. I’d say to my boyfriend “the grief monster is fierce today” or “the grief monster is extra sneaky today…I thought I was fine and then *bam* there it is and I’m sobbing” and things like that. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that feels like it’s a monster.

  11. Jillian  January 31, 2016 at 6:15 pm Reply

    My grief monster has been with me since Jan 31st 2014. Today is our second anniversary. I have learned to let the grief monster in when it comes and know it will be with me forever.

    • Kelly  January 31, 2016 at 7:41 pm Reply

      It is so true. This past November 11th was the third year anniversary of my wife’s death. Usually we go to the Rememberence Day service at cenotaph in, at City Hall in Toronto.

      I do like to see friends but this year when the grief monster came a-courting me I could not stand the thought of so many people in the rain, many grieving. I threw in the towel, had a massage and a dinner party with close friends.

      It turned out to be perfect, the perfect time of alone time and time connecting to the people who were closest to me when she died as we really all experienced it together. She was only 35 and it was a huge shock to us. We all have our own monsters since that day so at least we all went to a party together!
      Kelly

  12. Kate  December 20, 2015 at 4:51 pm Reply

    Thank you for being so generous with your time with the blogs you set out. Your site has been useful to me. I recently lost my husband (July 2015) in an accident leaving our two young sons behind as well as myself. It’s been very difficult explaining our loss to the boys as they are 3 and 5. The youngest suggests he is trying to bring Daddy back for us. Bless him. The eldest says to me try not to think about it Mum when he sees that I am sad. I’m blessed to have the boys but it’s such hard work knowing that I cannot change their grief for them. It’s been 5 months since the accident. I’m holding onto the thought that the pain will lessen over time and I hope I can give the boys confidence that we will be okay.
    I really just wanted to say thank you, I read your posts as they come through. It’s some comfort that others have survived the pain grief causes.

    Kate

    • Eleanor  December 21, 2015 at 9:17 am Reply

      Kate,

      I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what it must be like to parent young children through such a profound loss for them and you both. That being said, though, you are not alone and sadly there are so many others who have been through the pain of grief and loss. Keep holding onto the hope that the pain will lessen. Although the loss is always present, I do think that the emotions become more tolerable and over time grief turns into something a little easier to live with.

      Hang in there,
      Eleanor

      • Jeff  August 14, 2021 at 8:27 pm

        I met lorri 1977,we married august 16,1980. We have four children, jeffrey, Jacob, Jordan,Joshua. our youngest was born October 17,1994. Lorri’s mom went to heaven October 31st 1994. Our son Jacob went to heaven December 8,2016. my mom went to heaven September 22,2019. my wife lorri went to heaven July 15,2020. I just learned of the grief monster. are there many monsters or just one big monster. thank you, love Jeff

  13. Kelly  December 15, 2015 at 12:04 am Reply

    I love this it’s amazing! And I guess I have multiple grief monsters, we laugh, we cry and sometimes they help me take out the garage! Well done you guys!

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